Dear Parents…Your teens are enjoying ANAL SEX…a lot…I think…

According to researchers from someplace (I’m too tired to look it up, I just remember hearing it on an episode of ‘Chelsea Lately’), Teen pregnancies are down to their lowest levels in over a decade, and feel that the sluggish economy and lack of jobs is contributing to this decline.

While that might be true, I have a theory about what other factors might be contributing to this decline and what the result might be later on. You see, there are a few things that keep happening in this financial disarray we are in: Eating, Drinking, and Fucking…and the last one is the main focus of the topic at hand. Not surprised? Good.

Sex is the one major constant in the ebb and flow of this world. Somewhere in the world, someone is getting their freak on. It could be happening as I type this blog. It could be happening as YOU are reading this blog.

It could be happening after reading this sentence!

…or not. Life is funny like that.

Getting back to my theory…

The number of teens that are getting knocked up is on the decline, and has been for quite sometime, and I think that is a great thing. That’s how it should be – a teen shouldn’t become a parent before their time, and before they get their shit together. But as we are celebrating this good news, there is still one thing that we are overlooking – teens are still having sex.

While the number of teens getting knocked up is going down, teen having sex is still a constant. They never really stopped fucking. So does this mean that they are using protection? Perhaps, and rightfully so, but condoms and birth control can take you so far.

My belief, is that the actual reason there are lesser teen mom’s and dad’s has to do with anti-abortion laws, the cancelling of MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ and the bible. It’s these three reasons that I believe have lead to the backdoor fun we love to watch in porn movies, but don’t want to admit we like it.

And there are women who love anal. Don’t you dare try to deny that shit, you all know I speak the truth damn it!

Now I know what you are thinking – “PlayBoyMan has done lost his fucking mind! – AGAIN!”, right? No not really. Keep reading, I’ll explain everything.

As I’m sure most of you will agree, anti-abortion laws are for lack of a better phrase, true donkey shit, being served by assholes who think their jobs gives them the right to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies (which pisses me off to no end).

And oddly, some people think that these bullshit laws will reduce the number of abortions in the states, and in turn aid in lowering the number of teens that get preggers, and having sex altogether. It’s a great plan, right? No. not really.

Anti-abortion laws just basically encourage creativity in the moment of sexual gratification. In this case – pulling out and cumming ON their partner, instead of IN.

Condoms can fail and sometimes the pill can too, so the best way to ensure that you get your freak on without slipping on past the goalie, is to aim outside the box, pun intended. If that sounds gross to you, so be it, and I’m sad that your sex life is lackluster at best…No, that wasn’t a joke, I’m sad for those of you that don’t know this. And seeing that this bullshit type of law limits your options, the alternative of making a mess, is a good idea.

Let’s move on to the cancellation of MTV’s bullshit en-masse that is ‘teen mom 3’’.

When MTV aired that crazy-stupid show, It was the start of a clusterfuck that grew in the minds of people who don’t like to use their brains, that this show is amazing, when in fact, it’s a true piece of shit…And it was not doing anyone any good. Ever since that show aired, you actually had some teens believing that it was OK to have a kid at such young an age, that it was so easy, and that they knew what they were doing. To putt it simply: ‘Teen Mom’ glamourized having a baby as a teen. To this day, despite the decline, the majority of teens who are becoming parents live in the southern United States.

Fucking Dumbasses.

Thankfully, Teens appear to be paying attention even more now, and are learning to take the proper precautions when it comes to sex. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a stupid teenager on ‘The Maury Show’, trying really hard to get a bun in the oven. I don’t miss it, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. And have you seen those teens on that show? Fucking yikes. And who fucks for a Hamburger and a bag of chips from a fast food restaurant ? they live with their parents for fuck sakes…They can’t get a meal there, sans sex?!

Whoa wait…I’m getting off topic.

Anyway – thank you MTV – you finally did something right for a change: ending a bullshit reality TV show that shouldn’t have aired in the first place. Wait…scratch that – If that show didn’t air, we would’ve NEVER got this on DVD:


…which by the way, is a pretty good porn movie. Give it a viewing, it’s not bad, and Farrah’s tits looked better before the surgery. Yes, you did just read that. That was something I actually typed. Also, there’s anal sex in it. This fits the blog nicely, doesn’t it?

And now, let’s move on to the 3rd reason as to why I think Teens are enjoying giving up the butt – The Bible. Yes, I’m giving the bible props for teens enjoying anal sex.


No, Mr. Wonka – I am not.

You see, there is something about the Bible that a lot of people don’t get – its LOADED with contradictions. It’s goes against itself on many levels, and people who stand by this thing refuse to acknowledge that fact. God is infallible, being gay is a sin, eating bacon is 100% wrong, as is divorce…the list goes on and on and on.

But…There IS something that the bible ACTUALLY GOT RIGHT, and I, an agnostic, I’m 100% ok with it.

You see there is a loophole in the bible, that while it doesn’t like it when two guys do it, does not forbid it when a man and a woman do it.

Can you guess what it is? Come on now, the answer is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

It’s Anal Sex. Yes. It’s true – if you are a Heterosexual couple or in a relationship, serious or casual, you can enjoy the butt sex all ya want, which makes as much sense as installing a freezer in an artic research station. I mean for serious, If you are straight, you can enjoy anal outside of marriage, but if you are gay, you can’t do it? And then you have to get married before you can have sex in the vagina, because sex outside of marriage is a sin, so either way unless you put a ring on it first, you are going to hell.

For serious, what the fuck are we doing reading this ass-backwards shit?!

Oops, I’m getting off the topic again…I think.

The bottom line is that this loophole, called “God’s Loophole”, which in this context is also a contradiction (God is infallible, thus no loopholes, remember?), is the saving grace for teenagers. It makes zero sense, has as much reason as the idea of drinking water from a toilet, and it’s the driving force as to why so many people are fucked up in the world, with the allowing teens to get their fuck on without having to take care of a baby in 9 months, which is still a sin, according to the bible.

No wonder we are all going to hell – we can’t win no matter what. Good thing I give a silent prayer to Cthulhu every now and then. I miss that dude.

This is what teens are coming to accept as the new normal. To avoid becoming parents before their time, they are OK with anal sex, and coating their lovers in cum, or maybe giving them a Anal Creampie. Yes – that’s also a thing. How do you not know this stuff?

I strongly believe that in 2014, researchers are going to discover that teenagers are having more anal sex. I think this theory of mine will be proven to be accurate, and the churches will be powerless to say anything about it, because it’s not forbidden in the bible to do that, unless you are gay, then it’s wrong.

Man, that bible is a really fucked up book.

And there it is. The end of the last blog for 2013. I hope 2014 is full of awesomeness for all of us, and I thank you for reading my blog. I hope you enjoyed it.

Happy New Year!


There wasn’t a lot of boobies or butts in this blog, so I’d thought I’d rewards ya with one of my favorite YouTube videos. Here’s “Because Boobs” by Psychostick, a song about boobs. Enjoy.

Boobie Time!

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