“The Client List” is not on my list.


“The Client List” – Lifetime’s cintribution to the ladies (and I think the men) who like watching a sexy woman and a sexy guy having an erotic moment without penetration (Lifetime is a Basic Cable Channel), and apparently, THAT is something that we all want to see and enjoy.

Can you say “Bullshit” ? I can: BULLSHIT!

You see “The Client List” is an ass backwards way of showing how a happy ending is given. I myself have never had a Happy Ending, but I have watched quite a lot of handjob Videos that show how it all goes down.

And let me tell you, “The Client List” got it oh so wrong. Let’s break it down, yo (OK, that’s the LAST time I say that).

Let’s start with the synopsis of this series. From the Imdb:

Based on the Lifetime made-for-television movie set in suburban Texas, the Client List answers the question of how far a wife would go to save her family from foreclosure. The Texas starlet, (Jennifer Love Hewitt reprising her role in the original movie.), reprises her role as Samantha Horton the beleaguered housewife of an injured football star with three kids, a mortgage, and an eidetic memory. The former beauty queen now finds herself flat broke until she reads an advertisement for a massage salon and applies for the position only to find out that it is a front for a high end prostitution service. Initially repulsed, her dire circumstances lead her to accept. With her new position comes money, guilt and addiction. Her home life suffers as a result of her husband’s lost pride and the long hours. Eventually the police step in to close the ring. Ostracized from her family and community, Samantha has one more card to play. Using her perfect memory against her former clients, she compiles a list of influential men in positions of power to help a local mayor win her campaign & her own freedom.

Even reading that is making my head hurt. But wait, it does get worse. Let’s break down the “Massage sessions” we see in the show:

1. Talking

If you have had the misfortune of watching “The Client List”, then you will know that they do TONS of talking leading up to the “Handjob”. Yes, they actually have a little chit-chat before getting down to the business… and it’s not even dirty talk. Look, there is nothing wrong with communicating with your sexual partner as to what you like or don’t like in the Sex Department, but she’s not dating these guys – her job is to give them a massage. And yes, I do get that she has to make them feel relaxed and safe before getting started, but don’t so chummy that you could become friends. Keep them tugjobs professional.

In short – forget the heavy use of semantics, just get down to the business at hand. Literally.

2. The Storyline

How the flying fuck does Lifetime come up with such original TV? They Don’t. Moving on…Wait, I forgot to use quotes. Let’s ask the question again:

How the flying fuck does Lifetime come up with such “original” TV? Easily. If you have watched the lifetime movies that I have seen (And I’ve seen quite a few, thanks to Lazy Sundays), the are pretty much the same concept, with some slight tweaks.

All of these movies have one thing in common: A Woman who will go thru a hard time in the very near future for about 1 1/2 – 2 hours.

The tweaks are:

  1. She is in an abusive relationship
  2. She is in love with 2 men
  3. She is involved in a scam, which is about to go wrong
  4. She was successful and/or popular, lost it all, and has to resort to unusual jobs
  5. She is hiding a dark secret that threatens to destroy all that she has ever loved

Tweaks 4 and 5 fit “The Client List” perfectly.

For the past few years, I’ve seen Hollywood Movies and TV shows that Networks claim to be “Original”, but they really aren’t. They are just a simple rehashing of a Show or movie You’ve already seen.

A good example of this is in the movie “The Roomate”(2011). Don’t believe me? Here is the quick synopsis of “The Roomate”. From the IMDB:

Fresh from Des Moines, Iowa, Sara Matthews has just landed in Los Angeles as a college freshman studying fashion design. She meets handsome Stephen, party-lover Tracy, and roommate Rebecca. Rebecca is nice, sweet and ready to share everything with Sara. It could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. But Tracy is convinced that there’s something seriously wrong with Rebecca and bad things start happening to everyone close to Sara. If Sara is to have a normal college experience, she’s going to have to get to the bottom of what’s up with Rebecca and quickly get out of her clutches.

Written by napierslogs 

Now, for those of you don’t get what I’m talking about, this movie is actually a rehash of the Film “Single White Female”.

Yes it’s very true – Sara Matthews (Roommate) is actually Allison Jones (SWF). BOTH are looking for and have found love, BOTH of them are in Fashion Design (Sara Matthews [Roommate] is studying Fashion Design, Allison Jones [SWF] IS in Fashion Design), and BOTH women have a Crazy Psycho Female Roommate that wants to be exactly like them in every way, flip their shit when they don’t get what they want, try to KILL the protagonist in BOTH these films, and, wind up dead in the end.

The movies are the same, but “The Roommate” has mild tweaks. I’d go into it, but that beyond the scope of this blog. One thing I will mention: even the Movie Posters are almost the same.

Below is the DVD Box Cover of “The Roommate” and next to it is the Movie poster of “Single White Female”:

 l_1265990_614190ad singlewhitefemale

See?

The Lifetime Network is guilty of doing the EXACT same thing: “The Client List” is a simple rehashing of the Movie its actually and originally based on, and runs under one or more of the “Original” Plot templates I mentioned earlier.

“Original” my ass.

3. Where’s the Hand job ?

We were fucking DUPED into…Whoops, the bold text is stuck. One second….

Testing…Testing…there, much better. Moving on. There are two reasons I wanted to watch the client list. The first one was the promotional poster for the show – it suggested to me that the show would have a LOT of Jennifer Love Hewitt looking like this:

poster

Yeah, I was so drawn to the show. The That picture did its job: My interest and my Penis were  piqued. ;D

For a moment, I was thinking that the TV show would be different from the Movie….Nope. Another thing that I was hoping to see – a scene where with a hand job in progress.

Now before you get all pissed off, I wasn’t actually looking for an actual hand job – just simulated. There was a scene in the movie that was simulated – they could do that in the show too, and it doesn’t have to look silly or stupid either.

Instead of seeing this, the camera shoots down to the candles, the hand job that we can’t see begins, and the scene changes to sometime after the act has been performed. What a rip.

I understand that Lifetime is “Television for Women”, but you must also under stand that there ARE women who wouldn’t mind a little dirty stuff now and then. And yes, it CAN be tasteful.

I now come to the final issue I have with this show.

4. Jennifer Love Hewitt

jennifer-love-hewitt-0006 

For some of you, you think she is Sexy (I Do), while other think she is past her prime. Could care less about that. What I do care about is the fact that JLH is always going for the “Good Girl doing Not-so-good things” type of Characters. It’s classic self-pigeonholing.

She looks sexy as hell, and can wear a dress like a boss, wear lingerie like a second skin, but come on, JLH wouldn’t hurt to play a bad girl in a movie, doing bad things (and no, the movie “HeartBreakers” does NOT count). She could be a Femme Fatale, a dominatrix, a hot as fuck serial killer or assassin, or even an outspoken, unorthodox Christian woman with a high sexual appetite.

Okay okay, scratch that last one…or not.

Jennifer should just stop being in this mold she feels completely comfortable in.

We get it JLH: your a good girl. Now, do something naughty for a change. We won’t hate you for breaking out of your comfort zone.

There. I’m all finished. Now you know why I’m not a fan of “The Client List”….And why is sucks.

Laters

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