Chicken Cocaine!

We’ve all seen them.

Watched them a thousand times. We know them by heart. People flipping their shit over Chicken anything.

If they don’t get them in a timely manner, all hell will break loose. For those of you not familiar with these outbursts, here are the videos I’m talking about:

This woman went nuts when her could NOT order Chicken McNuggets at 6AM

And the second video below, (Note – this clip is from @RayWJ, the host of “=3” this clip is gonna start at the 0:44 second mark, and continue, so you’ll have to stop it manually):

Now, most people say that reasons there two did what they did can be contributed to the following: The woman was drunk of her ass, and the guy was an impatient fat-ass. You might think that is the case, but you would be horribly wrong – the reason goes much, MUCH deeper than anything you can possibly imagine.

The Reason is the Chicken. Yes I said it. It’s the fucking chicken. And the persons involved in this conspiracy are few and very powerful motherfuckers. The First one is…well, I’ll just show a picture:

















Whoops…Wrong pic. Taylor Stevens has NOTHING to do with this. One second……(Sidenote: I must remember to sort all these pics). Here is the correct pic:


no no…not the guy going into McDonalds..McDonalds, the company. They are partly responsible for why people are flipping the fuck out over chicken anything. All over the world, people are having rage fits over the world all because they want their Chicken fix  – NOW.

And do you know what makes the chicken so fucking irresistible ? Crack. Yeah, that’s right, there is cocaine in the Chicken! Let’s face it, NO ONE in their right mind would do the stupid shit these people did in the videos. They have to be under the influence of some powerful illegal drugs…and that drug is Cocaine.

I know what you are thinking:

“Where did he get this shit?!”

The answer is very simple: I have come into contact with the one guy at the heart of all this. The guy who knows all this shit McD’s has been doing, and is the #2 in this whole operation:


Ronald. Motherfucking. McDonald.

It’s true – that loveable clown that kids and even adults loved for years was the biggest drug mule in America. You remember when Ronald McDonald suddenly vanished, and how McDonalds said they were “Retiring” the character?

It was a Hit…And I’m not talking about a blockbuster.

McDonalds had took out a hit on Ronald McD – why? I asked Ronald that same question, Via the phone. All I know is that Ronald is at a secret and undisclosed location. The Following is dialog of me and RMcD himself:

RMcD: Why? Because I’d had enough. I was ready to out the company for all it’s wrongdoing. I was tired of watching People from all walks of life getting hooked on the Crack Chicken. Men, Women, Children – it was too much. It came to a point that I couldn’t handle it on my own. I turned to the bottle, hard. I may have looked happy, joyful and carefree – but inside, I was in pain, and drinking numbed that pain.

I didn’t even know I had a hit put out on me until it was too late…I remember it like I was yesterday: I had just left one of the many bars I visited, I was outside in the parking lot, waiting for my Cab. I always called for a cab home. I saw a cab pull up to me. I remember I walked to the cab and the driver said to me: “Excuse me sir, there is a problem with this cab”. I said “What’s wrong?” and as I moved to the drivers door, I caught a glimpse of the barrel of a gun right in front of my face, followed by a muzzle flash. That’s when I knew…That’s when I knew what they had done to me.

PBM: How did you survive that?

RMcD: I had help from a friend. It turns out that some else I thought was long gone was there for me, to help me when the time was right. The Hamburglar.

PBM: Whoa whoa – THE Hamburglar?! The One that kept trying to steal the Cheeseburgers?


RMcD: The very same guy. His name is Gary, by the way. He managed to get the bullet out of my head. It didn’t go in too deep, but without any help, I would’ve bleed to death right there. As I recovered, I told him about what the fuck was going on, and he wasn’t too surprised about it – They asked him to break into McDonalds restaurants and pee in the kitchen. Naturally, he refused to do that shit.

PBM: Man, that is some fucked up shit. Are you planning to go to the cops?

RMcD:  I don’t really know. Me and Gary have carved a nice life for ourselves. No one is looking for us, and I just don’t have that energy to deal with all that crazy.

PBM: But what about the public?

RMcD: Since this all happened, there has been less and less people freaking the fuck out for chicken, so maybe they (McDonalds) are playing it safe. Besides, all the proof to bust them is most likely long gone by now. I have to hang up now. It was nice talking to you.

PBM:Anytime. This is the part where I say “Laters”, but I don’t think that’ll happen.

RMcD: Never say “Never”. Gooybye.

PBM: Goodbye

That’s the last I heard from him. I tried to contact him, but no such luck.

And he’s right – I haven’t really heard anything more about people flipping their shit over chicken mcnuggets, chicken sandwiches, etc.

Maybe it was a failed experiment…maybe it was stopped short by something or someone…maybe Ronald McDonald DID do something to stop the madness after all, and didn’t tell me about it for my safety…

Of Course, None of this matters – because I made it all the fuck up. I don’t that you most likely knew this from the title, but I feel that I should clearly mention it, to those who think what I’ve written is true:

I made it all the fuck up. You are meant to laugh at this. To those of you who got this joke, I say thanks….Please tell those who didn’t that they are morons.


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