Whoa, whoa, whoa…It’s not like that.
I’m not being nuts, and I’m Not talking about her husband Raymond Balboa at all. He loves Nina with all his heart, and I’m 100% happy for the both of them. They make a great couple. Hell, Not long ago, he got her a pair of shoes. Have a look:
And, no – he didn’t fuck up or nothing. He did it because he wanted to. She’s got a good man…and those are really good looking shoes.
What this is about does involve Nina, but mainly one of her movies that I used to have a long time ago. Sit down for a bit – hear my story, and you’ll understand the title of this post:
Picture it: The Date is August 23rd, 2003 – I was still learning about adult film stars and the studios they worked with. I had heard about this new movie that came out by Vivid, called “So I Married a Pornstar”. It got rave reviews, and when I saw the cover, I was sold on getting it:
There she was. The star of this great film. Beautiful, Sexy, Wild. I was enchanted. Went to the Adult store about a mile down from where I lived, dropped the cash, got the DVD.
Popped it in the second I got home…It was amazing. Just 15 minutes in and I knew I spent my money well. Nina was great in every scene she did. The Storyline was good, and funny too.
It was, and still is a great film. I was glad to have it in my collection…But I was also stupid to do what I did next…
You see, there was a guy who liked to borrow my stuff. Video games, Eggs, a pair of pliers, that kind of thing. I lent him these things because he always returned or repaid me for what he borrowed. His name is “Steve” – a 190 pound asshole who has a 140 pound super tight-assed Girlfriend named “Karen”.
Why did I give them these names? Because I Don’t feel their real names are worthy of being posted in my blog – THAT’S how much they sucked ass.
You see, even though “Steve” barrowed things from me, he was a total Dumbass. On top of that, his girlfriend never liked me. Why? I don’t know. Every time she saw me she was always cutting eyes at me like I did her wrong. What the fuck?
What made Steve a Dumbass was the fact that he listened to the “Wisdom” of his GF, who always made sure to make any dealings I had with “Steve” go as slow and painful as possible.
Sometimes, whenever I’d let “Steve” borrow my things, I would get them back – a few weeks later. He would tell me that he wanted to give be my items back sooner, but “Karen” insists he keep them just a little bit longer; 1-2 days longer.
Then there were times I had to deal with her – yeah, that was fun. I can tell you right now: NO one in the world enjoys being told “No” every 30 seconds for no valid reason.. That shit gets old quickly.
Anyway, seeing that dealing with her was out of the question, I suggested to “Steve” that from now on, we wouldn’t be telling her shit about what he wanted or needed to borrow from me. He readily agreed.
For awhile, it went smoothly: He’d call and ask for something he needed of mine, and I would bring it over when little miss thing wasn’t home. It was a good deal at the time, or so I thought.
Then one day, he asked me about this movie he heard was getting quite a buzz…An adult movie. See where this is going?
He asked if I had heard of “So I married a Porn Star”. I then did 2 things I NEVER should’ve done:
1. I Said “Yes I’ve heard of it”
2. I Said “Sure, you can borrow it”
I Didn’t hesitate. I Didn’t become cautious. I Didn’t even think it through. Just grabbed it and gave it to him.
We both agreed that I would get it back in a few days. A Few days passed, and I went to pick up my DVD.
Guess who answered the door? Hint: It wasn’t “Steve”. “Karen” was very calm and cordial when she answered the door. For a split second, I wondered why, then I found out.
She Said, with a smile: “So…You gave my Boyfriend a porno to watch, huh ?”
I wanted to Kick “Steve’s” stupid ass right then and there.
“Karen explained that “Steve” wanted to watch a Porno with her. Thing was, “Karen” Doesn’t like porn at all (No fucking surprise there). She hated it with a passion. To add insult to injury, “Steve” surprised her with the damn thing. As I would find out later from him, “Steve” wanted to spice up their sex life, and felt my DVD would do the trick.
He popped it into the DVD Player when she wasn’t looking, and when she got into the living room and pushed play, she hit the fucking roof. And I thought I was the Fucking Moron in this story.
Back to the moment at hand: I didn’t get chewed out in public, nor did she yell at me. All she said, and I’m not paraphrasing in any way was:
“Well, I have an even bigger reason not to like you, don’t I?”. And said it with a smug little grin on her face, like I was a Criminal who just got caught in the act.
I wanted to ask why she hated me in the first place, but I felt she was trying to goad me into an argument. Already walked into a shitload of crap now, I’m not gonna fall for that.
Keeping my cool, I simply asked for my DVD back. “No”, She said. “You gave it to ‘Steve’, so he’ll be the one to give it back to you.”
I wasn’t cool with this at all. I wanted to give her quite a tongue lashing, but sensing that that she still might be trying to get me to argue with her, I kept my attitude in check.
“Fine”, I said. “I’ll come back later”
I waited till “Karen” left and“Steve” came home. Went over like I was responding to a booty call. I wish it was a booty call I was responding to. “Steve” answered the door looking pissed off at me. “Well thanks for getting me into trouble!”, He said.
PBM:“What the fuck are you talking about?!”
“Steve”: “She hates porn! She got so mad, it pissed me off and I broke the DVD!”
PBM: “I gave that to YOU for YOU to enjoy. I didn’t tell you to give or show or watch it with your Girlfriend!”
(I was so wound up, I missed the part where he said the DVD got destroyed. I’ll catch on in a bit.)
“Steve”: “It’s still your fault. You shouldn’t have given the DVD to me.”
PBM: “Your fucking right – I should’ve kept it to myself that I even got the damn thing…wait…did you say you broke it?! (See, I caught on. )
“Steve”: “Yes I did!”
“Steve” went back inside, and gave me what was left of the movie. The DVD was in pieces, and the Cover was just torn the fuck up. It looked like a dog mauled it. Also, I couldn’t understand why or how it was legal for “Steve” to date a Dog (Get it?).
PBM: “You destroyed it?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You’re buying me a new one!”
“Steve”: “I don’t owe you shit!”
PBM: “You Fucking asshole!”
“Steve”: “Fuck you!”
And he slammed the door in my face. I went home, clutching my broken DVD in my hands. I took one last look at it – She broke it up good. “He destroyed my Nina Mercedez”, I said to myself (Hence the title of this post). I tossed it into the garbage.
About a month later, they moved out of the neighborhood. I never spoke to “Steve” or his shitty ass girlfriend after that day, nor do I wish to ever see them again in my life. Could care less about either one of them.
Fuck You, “Steve” and “Karen” – Fuck you in the neck.
The lesson to learn from this?
Never loan your porn out to people who are fucking morons, and/or have shitty ass Girlfriends who like to start drama.
I was gonna end this blog on that note, but instead, I’m gonna end it on an high note, with an option of an update.
I started this writing this blog entry on the 13th of October, thinking that I would never find a physical copy of the film. Sidenote: you can find it streaming online at Vivid.com, Membership required.
Well, about an hour after I started typing, I decided to look for this movie one more time, and low and behold, I found and brought it. CDuniverse.com is selling the DVD NEW for $27.09 + Shipping.
You can, and should get it here: http://www.cduniverse.com/productinfo.asp?pid=6137805
I don’t care if its selling for less somewhere else, I don’t care if someone thinks I paid too much: This is a great movie, I’m glad I found it. It was worth every penny then, and it was worth every penny now.
And if you want to borrow it, you can…After you pry it from my cold dead hands.
UPDATE: The Purchase at cduniverse.com was a no go, as my order was put on backorder and then refunded.
I then tried to buy it from a dude on eBay – a month later, no DVD and I’m out 23.99. Mother. Fucker.
No worries though: After dealing with eBay’s “Quick and speedy” Customer Service, I got my money back a month later. Fuck.
With the fear of never getting my hands on this gen of a DVD, I went to AdultDVDMarketplace, which had a NEW copy for just under 12 bucks.
2 Weeks later, Nothing.
I make an inquiry: Turns out the Packaging label was damaged and it couldn’t be delivered to me, so it was returned to sender. He offered to re-mail it back to me at no extra charge. I accepted.
Finally, Today (Dec. 29, 2011), The Item I’ve sought after for so long now, is safe in my hands:
It has been a good day.